Like A Cat I Always Land On My Feet... MEOW!

BLA BLA BLA!!!!

HAPPY I LOVE YOU DAY :)

I can’t believe bearded one thinks it’s ok and been long enough for him to make stupid jokes like “well it took you long enough to realise it was all about me” and various other bollox. It’s like he’s making me out to be a knob because I tried so hard to keep my family together. Be there and try and fix stuff to make things work to ensure our daughter had two happy parents and a happy life. Loving some one unconditionally, giving all my plans up for, putting him first and his needs before my own. To be discarded, treated like crap. Yeah well then I guess I was a big fool. I feel pathetic we was only able to be together 3 years. I’m still wrapping my head around single mother status, I know it’s excepted now days but that’s not what I wanted for my daughter. He’s 30 with three daughters different mums he will prob have more and leave them around the age of two. He’s pathetic. I don’t know why I let him get to me. I don’t think I could have more kids I don’t like the idea of different dads etc, I’m part of 8 with different mums/dads. None of us are close… I wanted things to be different. Now they are not. I’m trying to plan and make a new plan for me and Alexa but to be honest as much as I try I do not know where to start. Just going to focus on Alexa and college.

It’s weird to think today is my big brothers birthday. I never got to meet him, he died of cot death two years before I was born. But me and my younger siblings were told about how beautiful and sweet he was. My two big sisters remember him so well they said he was a angel. I hate seeing them so hurt and lost, I feel a sense of sadness as I can see the affects on my mum and family. I know he looks over me and I really wish things could have been so different. So where ever you are my beautiful brother happy birthday and I hope I get to meet you some day xxx I love you x

Oh my gosh! My mood has changed dramatically. Now Alexa is home I feel happy, focused, determined, ready to get a changing this life of ours. I can’t stand being away from her, going to have to reassess these long weeks away from one another. I know her dad wants to see her as much as I do but he chose to move up north away from his child. When I decided to keep Alexa and become a mother i never dreamt that I would be apart from her. I should SSS her every day. Help brush her teeth, read, play, dance, make cakes. Be there for her like a mother should be. O should be the one to tuck her up and kiss her good night every night. I think once in a blue moon her being away at her fathers for that length of time is ok but not one week here then one week there. IT BREAKS MY HEART. not meaning to sound cruel to bearded one but he chose to do this. He broke us. He moved away. It’s not my fault he has to split himself between 3 children with different mothers. Why should I be so accommodating just so his life is easier? He does not even help me with money for Alexa. I’m busting my arse doing two jobs, college, raising my daughter and running a house hold and paying off mine and his half of the debt. I would never stop him from seeing her NEVER. I know what it is like to grow up with out a father but I have to find some other way to make this easier. Rant rant rant!!! Lol. Good to vent at the cyber world.

Toni-fool is my new name

Also as for relationships?? Heavy stuff noooooooooo. Dating bur nothing crazy. Yes?? Nice dinners, walks, parties etc yes yes yes! But as for the heavy stuff my head cant handle it I may explode….

I need to get my life in order really decide what I want to do and work towards that goal. I can’t change or fix what’s happened on the past so I need to learn from it and move on. My number one priority is to give Alexa the life she deserves and for us both to be happy. So 10 mini goals for 2012: 1. Pass course with merit/distinction 2. Try and move to waterbeach or Milton 3. Get on to level 3 animal care or wildlife management (undecided) 4. Do I want a career in wildlife conservation or do I want to work domestic cats?? (steering more towards wildlife rescue/conservation) 5. Lose the weight and stop making excuses. 6. Try and gain a healthy reduced stressful balance in my life. 7. Know what I really want before jumping head first into things. 8. Get Alexa into swimming and healthy activities we can do together at least 3-4 times a week. 9. Save!! Save!! Save!! 10. Now ten is the important one…. Appreciate my loved ones, friends, family more as they are all that really matters when it boils down. They make me who I am. It’s time to sort this crazy life of mine out once and for all x

Some girl implied I had a disease today after I had educated her what is actually up with me!!!! She went and told every one at the top of her voice I had a bipolar disease. What a complete twat! Disease is normally brought on by a infection or nasty cells that have turned bad. Bipolar is a disorder and genetic disorder! I felt like a complete weirdo when she did that. She asked me to explain what it was as she over heard me talking to my mum on the phone so I did. Educating some one stops judgement right? WRONG. she tried to use it against me to make herself look good. Pathetic. Thankfully every one realised what a complete knob she was lol. Here’s a link: http://www.bipolaraware.co.uk/ Just gets people aware and my family and close friends have used it to understand a bit better. I’m still me :) It just explains my behaviour over the past god knows how many years. I must say I have got a bit of grip on things now and some therapies ive been doing work so well.

Just pulled my head out of the sand. Every thing feels weird and I really can’t stand the things I am feeling. Onwards and up right? Pretty hard.

I can’t stop laughing. So Betty is needing to get out there so with the help of her friend Christina they get her on to online dating… After a few joke responses from “I love tacos” and “I love nachos” all at the handy work of bitch receptionist amanda Betty finally receives one from “NiceGuy47” here’s how it goes “NiceGuy47 - I would love to go out with you. Your profile said you love bowling. So if you have any ‘spare’ time—” Betty gets excited and replies that she loves bowling and she shouts Send Christina then goes “send again” Betty: “why?” Christina: “you spelt blowing instead of bowling” I actually choked on my coffee with laughter. Betty is so adorable I love her x

Feel completely down… Been having some real bad mood swings. :(

Today I feel awesome! Things are still a tad confusing for me but slowly bur surely I’m tackling things one by one. I have a lot of positivity going on and I am surrounded by positive happy people. This sounds selfish but I’m cutting off the people that are too negative and won’t change things to make it less awful for themselves. I need to focus on my life more than ever right now. I best go I’ve still yet to do so much with my day. Take care lovelies xx

I am a heavy girl but do you know what I have a pretty face and a nice heart! Could be much worse! I don’t actually mind being “fat” the reason I am losing weight is for health reasons… Fuck all these skinny or nasty people that make larger women feel like they are not accepted! WE ARE! we may be bigger but were hotter and we love bigger and our arses are big but it’s more to shake to beyonce’s music. ^_^ I’m off to eat some cheese cake and not obsess over my weight today as I feel pretty and womanly. Peace out x

The bi-polar is well and truly in full swing I really think I ought to come off fb until I get my head straight I must seem like a maniac. Just trying so hard not to spiral out of control I refuse to get down…. It’s hard to cope with stuff at the moment. Been through worse…. Right?! I can do this again….